the simpsons, homer

Imagine yourself for a moment in this scenario:

You are out in the world in what feels like another country. You don't know what the people are like here. You don't know the area. Everything is unfamiliar and uncomfortable, and nothing around you gives a sense of friendliness either

In the back of your mind, you feel there could be danger around the corner. In the past, you may have been in situations like this, where bad things did happen. You aren't sure, so you aren't writing it off entirely either. In any case, your fear of the unknown is kicking in. You don't know what's out there, and that makes things uncomfortable

Your first instinct in these cases, is to just run away from it. And that's a normal reaction.

These aren't the only uncomfortable situations you'll deal with in life though. They don't always have to have a sense of impending physical danger either. It could be emotionally and mentally as well

Here are some other examples:

You could be applying to your first job interview ever. Your parental figures have told you what to do - how to dress up in your first suit they bought you at the mall. You rehearse your lines, your speeches, many times over the past few days, and brush up on your resume

On the day of the interview, you forget one minor detail. You don't know how to tie a tie. But you are already going to be late, and you are scouring through youtube for the fastest tutorial at 2x speed to get it done

In your rush to the in-person interview, you are going to an office you've never been to, a driving route unfamiliar to you, into a situation where you have to meet your potential boss for the first time

And they are watching. Testing you, to see if your up to the mettle. You know you are being judged for everything you do - and every minor detail about how you present yourself. You get nervous, tense, and your anxiousness kicks in. Palms start sweating. Your freeze instincts kickin, you are paralyzed in the moment - unsure of what to do or say

When the interview starts, questions get bombarded at you. You are so tuned to what's being asked that you take every question at literal face value, and fumble to come up with responses. Now you are in a fawning phase - a people pleasing mode - to try and win over the interviewer with the best calculated answers you rehearsed

In situations like the above, how do you not succumb what is being thrown at you? How do you deal with uncomfortable situations like these, that are unfamiliar to you?

DALLE - changing gears in a car, cyberpunk synthwave

Kicking your brain into a secure response

In stress responses like these, there are 4 types of responses your brain will go under

• Fight - maintaining a proactive aggressive stance to deal with the situation at hand
• Flight - seeking emotional and physical distance to avoid the thing stressing you out
• Freeze - immobility or paralysis in the moment
• Fawn - seeking approval response in the moment

In uncomfortable situations like these, you have to be self-aware of the response your brain is under

When you are under a response like this, you have to force your brain into another response, to bring it back to a neutral secure mode

In the case of an unfamiliar situation that seems there is impending danger around the corner, your first instinct is to run. You have to flip it into a secure/or fight response, to combat your brain's natural tendency in this situation - to throw out emotions out the door and let logic take over.

Rituals for swapping states

To swap between mental states at will, you have to do what is called a ritual

One of the most common rituals is taking a deep breath. And letting the air expand into your lungs. Holding it in, and letting it out after a few seconds

Sometimes in this ritual, you will also say a power paradigm. Such as "I will get through this".

In other places, you can use a set of hand motions, a set of rituals that you practice through meditation, to enable this.

In a eastern cultures, the hand motion of 🙏 is commonly used to regress a prolonged fight response, into a more secure mode. This comes from a set of practices from Hinduism and Buddhism in particular. Or from a derivatives of it, such as yoga and meditation

In western cultures, there is a common set of hand motions for pushing away your fight response into a more secure mode. This is commonly done in Christianity, with the rituals used before the word "amen" is stated. It is touching your fingers to your head, crossing it on both sides of your body.

When you are in a fawning or freeze state instead, one common tactic you can use is to just pinch yourself. The pain triggers a more secure response in the brain, and you can let logic take over. If it's prolonged and your prone to fidgeting like in an interview, just wiggle your toes instead

Sometimes if a stress state is prolonged long enough over a duration of time, you can just do something completely different. Ride a rollercoaster, eat spicy food, go for a swim - trigger a completely different response in your body

In longer durations of stress state, you have to know how to reset yourself. If you do not, the stress accumulates over time through the knots on your back. And you will have higher blood pressure as a common health sympthom.

Being in a secure state means knowing how to practice the rituals in converting to a secure state, depending on the given context, the timeframe, and the situation at hand

It means knowing what your disciplinary stances are. It means knowing what triggers you, and having the knowledge to counter-trigger it. You have to develop a very strong sense of self, in knowing yourself inside and out.

This means you have to look inward. And see yourself in a third person. To be able to tell yourself "dude stop being a b*tch" and resolve the situation at hand.

Developing inner discipline

If you've never developed the inner discipline to do this, there are a number of ways to develop this. One common way is through practicing martial arts, such as jiu jitsu, judo, etc - this helps in getting out of a fawning, flight, or freeze state. Meditative arts like yoga help you out of a fight state.

You would need to train for a period of time to develop these techniques, to instill the confidence to trigger secure states yourself. Having guidance or a mentor helps a lot too.

Once you develop a sense of mastery over yourself, uncomfortable situations aren't as bad. You can let logic take over, and put your emotions on the backburner.

By doing this you aren't making yourself vulnerable either. You aren't a pushover. And the situation you are in will work itself out

These techniques can be applied to any number of uncomfortable situation. Giving a speech to a wide audience, expressing yourself creatively in writing, or confronting hard situations with people in your life.